it's so goddamned hot outside the asphalt is sticking to my sandals that are cutting into my swollen feet from the heat the heat the goddamned heat. and my mind is two hemispheres burning like two over hard with bacon sizzling on the sidewalk and the heat it makes me ugly inside and so i go outside to share it with my fellow mankind and i walk endlessly up and down the main street, crossing at every crosswalk just to make the cars spotty have to, its the law--and so i can make a car stop on a dime, a truck shudder to a halt and stall and through it all i look balefully at them from behind my sunglasses, and its the goddamned heat . .. i know now why people go postal and yes i am really ugly now. i'm so ugly that i can pinch the antelopes to see if they are ripe and i tap my foot impatiently and talk to myself out loud in the express lane which is anything but and i go and rent a wim wenders video is hot its so hot it's steamy and i don't understand the dialogue and i am so hot that when i get into the bath i set off vapors-- the water simmers on contact. and what's the point, when i get out i am drenched in my own foul sweat again within ten minutes, and there is this guy at the end of the block, he wears the same people tee shirt every day and he walks with this jerky sway back rhythm looking deranged, especially his face because it is a mirror of my own behind my dark glasses and i want to know why every street i move to has the junkies and the dealers at the corner which has the only set of two public phones in the whole goddamned neighborhood, an i walk around there at night and watch them: they have to phone before they go upstairs and i wonder what it would feel like to fall back into that life but no that's not what's really eating at me, it's the heat the heat the goddamned heat.
and i am all out of "nice"
and i am all out of humor (hey, is that what's dripping down my leg -- nah, its just more sweat from the goddamned heat. and i turn on the news and i see the fires in florida and the dying in texas and i don't think rationally any more i don't think, well, it could be worse, i could be there.
but i am all out of the starving children in india that mother threw at me every time i refused to eat my peas and my brother says that i exaggerate about our childhood he says, mom was nice, she took us to the beach everyday, well of course she did you dolt you asshole, she LIKED the beach and would have gone alone just to escape the from the godamned heat and there are rivers all over this state and i can't get to them, i tried hitchhiking the other day and the ride i got had more heat between his legs than all the asphalt on main street so i cold coked him and got out of his goddamned truck and walked all the way back to town in the heat--
it's making me ugly it's making me think nasty thoughts about everybody everybody every-abso-fucking-loootly everybody
but my cats.